If you read part one of this entry, you’re probably wondering if there is anything positive about metamours. Between the anxiety, jealousy, and time sharing, it’s a wonder people get involved with Polyamory in the first place. But, here’s the good news:
METAMOURS CAN BE AWESOME!!!!!
And here’s why:
A metamour can be an invaluable resource to your relationship. After all, who knows your new partner better than their wife, husband, or long term boyfriend/girlfriend? I love having metamours for this reason. If my new relationship is hitting a rough patch, or if I’m a bit confused about a quirk my new partner is displaying, I simply ask my metamour their take on the situation (where appropriate, of course). For example, there was a period of time where I thought Zim was constantly annoyed or angry with me. I asked him about it, and he insisted nothing was wrong. Still, I couldn’t get the negative feelings out of my head and decided to consult Vivian (she has been married to him for five years after all and knows him way better than I do). She was able to clear a lot of things up for me, and I came away from the conversation with a better understanding of what makes Zim tick. Hopefully Zim will be able to do the same with Greg one day…although I always think of it as looking something like this:
Sometimes I can be a lot to deal with…
Anyway, metamours can also be great cheerleaders for your relationship. Because they also love your partner, they want to see them happy. But, that also means they want you to be happy as well. The best metamours will always make sure you are being treated nicely by your shared partner (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard Vivian scold Zim for forgetting to stock my favorite drink in their fridge), and this makes them like some sort of kick-ass relationship bodyguard.
With all that being said, it’s no surprise that a metamour has the potential to be an incredibly close friend to you. Although I stated in Part I that you should not expect your metamour to hang out or spend time with you, the truth is that many will at least take the time to get to know you (especially if they happened to be married to your partner). Even though this may not lead to becoming best friends, don’t be surprised to discover that you have at least a few things in common with each other. In these situations, I always recommend letting the relationship with your metamour(s) take its own course. Vivian, Zim, and I tend to see each other a great deal as a group, but recently Vivian and I have been discussing the possibility of hanging out together separately from Zim. Although I’m not entirely sure where it will lead, I’m extremely open to the possibility of having a stronger bond with her, and am really glad she feels the same. Making true friends only gets harder as you age, so I recommend seizing the opportunity any chance you get.
Finally, having a metamour means the potential to have more than just your partner care about you. While not all metamours will be involved in your life the same way, the best ones will make sure you know you’re loved. Whether that comes in the form of home cooked meals, invitations to family game nights, random “howdy” texts, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to watch your animals while you’re on vacation, metamours can be just like (if not better than) family. They can be an extension of what is good in your relationship with your partner, while providing an extra layer of love, support, healing, and understanding.
So, here’s my advice, embrace being/having a metamour. Even if things don’t turn out perfectly, the more open you are, the better things are likely to be. But, be sure not to force it. Unlike when you were a child, friendships can’t be formed by simply showing someone your Lego collection (although that would certainly work on me). Relationships, of all kinds, take work and an effort must be made on both sides. Sometimes I feel like I won the metamour lottery with Vivian, and I try every day to ensure she feels the same. If she’s reading this right now, I hope she knows how awesome she is, and how thankful and honored I am that she continues to share Zim with me.